Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The Election Crazy Show

Your political season can only get crazier. I don't know about you, but I am planning on spending the next 90 days with one hand on a bucket of popcorn and the other on the anti-spacecraft missile launcher in case anybody running away from the madness there tries to come here. Yes, I am a terrible person refusing interplanetary refugees, but then I am not a candidate pretending that you should give me the power to combat global warming with a nuclear winter.  I am not a candidate to run anything, not even my own life.

Not to mention that anybody with enough money to cross the interstellar void uninvited does not count as one of your tired, your poor, your hungry, but in fact will be one of your face-lifted, your rich, and your power-hungry. Those people can come here for vacation, but we got a zero tolerance on immigration here, meaning nobody gets to stay. Except me. And people I like. Which isn't you.

So stay where you are and take care of the political mess on your own planet. This one is taken.

Elections from 1000 Light Years Away

The work it takes to not know a single thing about your upcoming national elections should have its own Olympic sports category. And I guarantee, if they was giving out medals, yours truly woulda got a silver medal if not the gold when I was back on Earth. Being here on Unpronounceable where no one cares, I can watch the parade of political posturing like it's just another seasonal TV show, equal parts cynicism and shmaltz that is the same every year.

First off, nobody, except maybe a couple of guys with Aspergers and no personal life, is looking for real information that could change their mind. Everybody is paying attention so's they can have real or imagined facts to prove the opinion that they already have is the right one. The first time you see and hear a candidate, you make your call, the way you judge everybody from the barrista with the pierced nostril to the jogger in pink velour with her golden retriever and golden ponytail. Snap judgement, right or wrong, that's the motto of the human race.

Then there is the other problem that nobody in their right mind would run for public office in the first place, so even your snap judgement of any one of those louses - or is it lice? - leaves your brain feeling like the inside of a portapotty on a summer day.

Fortunately, your Founding Fathers created a system of government in which it is nearly impossible to change anything. Even when change happens, the people are so not willing to give up the tiny part in the hot mess of their lives that they like to improve the all the truly horrible parts they don't. This is why whole generations protest for the rest of their lives for a return to the good old days, never mind the widespread death from cholera and dysentery, the rape and pillage protocols of conquering armies, and the degradation of slavery and serfdom. Change, these true believers understand, is not a happy daisy in the sun. It more like kudzu that ain't gonna stop after it covers the dead stump you want to hide, but soon will be smothering that old apple tree your granny planted, and you're willing to firebomb the garden just to show it who's boss.  This is why Congress can have a 15% approval rating and a 90% re-election rate. No change necessary here. Do not touch the dial.